We had smoke machines and incense, adoration with our altar calls. It simply takes that long to know. I was trying to align the loving God I knew and believed in with this horrendous reality of what was going on inside me," she says. People from my church would usually share the story on Facebook with a warning about the creeping lack of religious freedom if anyone wanted the teacher reinstated. I came out to show that you have to be you.
Will you share love? The concern for me was real, though I rarely felt he was someone I could — or should — confide in about my sexuality. Or at least a passable one. Wearing a tuxedo for the first time since I took Sarah to prom. During a semester studying abroad in Rome, I had gotten to know a religious community based in southern France. Leaning on my status, it was for those years surprisingly easy to overlook just where all of this was leading. To challenge each other — and if you are believers — to bring each other closer to God. But I was seventeen. There was no celebration or relief, and certainly no pride. As any teacher will tell you, it was exhausting work. Girls would openly admit being on the lookout for former seminarians like a forbidden fruit put back on the menu. This was the one step I had been hesitant to do for so long. Suddenly, back in Texas, I was forced to explain why I was so delaying jumping back into the dating life. I have never felt the love of God like I have after coming out. What does that really say about a person? That the biggest part of my life might have a flaw. Not just a decision, but a vocation. Catholic analysis of homosexuality is more nuanced than it is often given credit. At the time, morality was a junior level course at the school, so I started tackling the principles of behavior with teens at the same age when I had first started to explore my own sexuality. So I confided in just about anyone who would ask that I was near certain this was not going to work out. My friends and family would all laugh because the priest was telling us to do something but we were too caught up to notice. A Catholic who was irrevocably gay but desperate to avoid hell. There was a lake nearby I would drive to when feeling depressed. In reality, the Catholic Church does not teach that all gay people are bad, or even that they have chosen their same-sex attraction. It was dusk and the steady stream of headlights whooshed by, each one like an invitation heading straight toward me only to miss at the last moment. When I realized my life alone as a single, Catholic man was unsustainable, I wrote the order to ask if I could join.
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